I was bad today! But I still want a puppy!

I Hate Dreams and FaceBook!

Today is not a good day! I have already had 2 cigarettes and I want another one, so instead of smoking I am going to write a blog!

Last night I had a crazy, vivid dream about my 6th grade crush. When I am really stressed out I have dreams about him for some reason and I hate it! It disturbs me! And the next day I am really anxious. I don’t know this kid anymore. In fact if I saw him on the street I wouldn’t know who he was. Okay maybe that’s not true because of FaceBook, but I would definitively not say anything to him. And I am sure he wouldn’t say anything to me.

Now, after I have a crazy dream I like to figure out why. So I’ve been thinking all morning about why I would have a crazy dream about this kid. Like I said usually when I am stressed I have dreams about him. And guess what? I am stressed! But at the same time it has to be something else. I was thinking and thinking, then it came to me…

Yesterday, on FaceBook I saw a status: “‎80 days until we see all our favorite people at the OBX.” What is the person talking about? Oh yeah, her wedding! Guess who isn’t invited? Oh yeah that’s me! Now of course there have been a million weddings on FaceBook that I haven’t been invited too, most of the time I am not offended. My two best friends from high school: both married, not invited to either of their weddings, don’t care. Friends from college: married, not invited to their weddings, don’t care! But this person I have known since elementary school and we were in Girl Scouts together since 3rd grade. We went to high school and college together. We took classes in college together. She would take me to her church during finals so we could study together. And I’m not invited to her wedding!

Now, if she had dated like 10 million different people and I didn’t know her future husband that would be one thing. But they have been dating since high school! I know him! I partied with him in college. I sat on my front porch with her, smoking cigarettes convincing her to stay with him after a disastrous Valentine’s Day. Truthfully, we are not as close as we use to be. I mean she moved to California and we don’t even talk anymore. However, in college, she told me that I was invited to her wedding. And there is no question that she is invited to mine. All the Girl Scouts are invited to my wedding, no question! Now if all the Girl Scouts don’t invite me to their wedding, I will live. There are about 3 people that if I didn’t get invited, I would survive. But this girl isn’t one of them!

Now, am I for sure not invited to her wedding? No! I mean 80 days before the wedding you probably haven’t sent out invitation, but I for sure didn’t get a save the date! And I know that they sent out save the dates because my Girl Scout Leader got one! Are all the Girl Scouts invited to this wedding, but not me? Once again probably not! So should I really be this offended? Probably not! Honestly it’s not like she is my best friend and I didn’t get invited because we had a falling out. But it just shows me that she doesn’t think we are as close as I think we are. It cements the fact that she is really only my friend when it is convenient for her. And let’s face it that makes me pissed!

Part of me is like “I should just tell her!” And the other part is like “Liz, get over it! It’s just a wedding!” So now I am falling somewhere in the middle, writing this blog. And you can bet I am going to post a link to it on FaceBook and pray she reads it! Then another part hopes she doesn’t because it’s kind of mean right? Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I mean it is just a wedding! Just because she doesn’t invite me to hers doesn’t mean I won’t invite her to mine!

Who I am inviting to my wedding (and you can quote me on this):
1)My immediate family
2)My extended family
3)The close family friends that I have grown up with.
4)Erica, Jodi and Ashley
5)The Girl Scouts
6)Then all the rest!

This is also the order in which I am going to tell people I am engaged! I will phone, email, and do whatever it takes to tell them before they find out on FaceBook!

Impulse Control

Lately my impulse control has been amazing. Usually when I quit smoking I feel like I need a cigarette and I just have one. However, this is usually when I decide to quit cold turkey. I guess I don’t have the impulse control to do that but cutting back is really helpful. I always know that I have (like right now) 3 more left in the day so no matter what is happening I can still have more. I am still spacing out my cigarettes though so when the urge comes I do not usually have a cigarette. It’s like my addiction is no longer in control, I am.

Impulse control is in check with other things too. When I make a positive change in my life I usually reward myself by buying clothes, books, etc. However right now I have $34 to my name so if I overdraw on my account then the positive things aren’t really helping. But I have been very good and not brought a single thing. Not even with the money that I have been saving by not buying cigarettes! That money is just sitting in my bank account waiting to be used for bills (And I will still have to buy 4 more packs to complete my goal so I might have to use it later).

Today I really wanted to skip class. I just couldn’t image anything worse than driving to campus waiting around for my class to start, then going to class. But I made it here. It took long than usual to get here. I got up at 8:30 but I did pretty much nothing until 9:30. I was just fighting with myself whether to come on not. Of course in the end I decided to come, but halfway here I wanted to turn around. I thought “I can go home and take a nap. I can figure out whatever I missed in the book.” But of course I know that is not true. My A&P class is really hard and I need to be there to learn what the professor wants us to know.

While all this has been positive, there are some negative things happening. On my way here I thought everyone on the road was a bad driver. Of course, I was probably the bad driver, but I blamed everyone else. And I kept sneezing uncontrollably. It was horrible and I was getting so mad at myself. There was one time I thought “If I sneeze one more time, I am going home!” I didn’t of course, since I am here on campus. But I was so annoyed. Obviously I can’t control my sneezing or other drivers on the road so I need to change my attitude about them. But I just felt like I couldn’t! I was just so annoyed.

Overall, everything is going okay. I am sticking to buy daily allowance of cigarettes and I am not whinnying too much! Also I have started to look into getting a dog, so my goal is still working.

What I was Thinking about at 3:30 on Monday!

The past few days have been rough. I am easily frustrated and I’m dying for a cigarette. Nothing too interesting has happened. My car was back in the shop today, but they said that everything looked fine. I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I am taking a sleeping pill, but I think that is what is causing the vivid dreams. Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that in my next dream, I tell people that I had this crazy dream and it is my previous dream. It’s really weird.

I cleaned out my storage locker over the weekend. Cleaning out means I moved some boxes to my parents’ basement and all the furniture and trash is still in there. I know Dan wants my kitchen table and I am trying to convince him that he also wants my lovely green couch. But the rest of the stuff needs to go. I do want to replace my bookshelf in my room to the bookshelf that is in my storage locker, but I don’t know if I will actually do that. And I love my desk, but I know I can get another one. So pretty much I want to keep every piece of furniture that is in my storage locker, but obviously I can’t.

Finding all of Boo’s stuff wasn’t as emotional as I thought it would be. It was just kind of sad and it reminded me how much I want another pet. That is the end goal of all this quitting smoking. I am sad that it is not going to be Boo again, but hey every pet makes people happier. I do need give Boo’s new owner all the paperwork I have on him. I did find so treats too, but I just put them in the trash pile because I am sure they are stale. I must also keep in mind that Boo probably does not even remember me. He has forgotten all about me and is happy in this new home.

I am looking forward to having a puppy that will be Dan’s and mine. We kind of know what we want but in the end I am sure that we will be opened minded when we go actually looking for one. And it is a long way off. I mean it’s not even March yet so we have all of spring and most of summer to go through before we actually get a puppy. Plus in the meantime I need to quit smoking and finish this semester and the summer semester. I am grateful that it is a long way off because then it will teach me patience (or at least I hope).

I really have nothing else to really say…yeah okay I am done.

Only 5 Cigarettes Today

Oh man yesterday was killer. I was so irritable last night. I mean I was a total bitch to Dan and I was so whinny. I think it was because I went to school yesterday and it was a long day. I was trying really hard to be good but it was hard. However, I did make it to only 6 cigarettes yesterday.

I am having other side effects as well. I am having very vivid dreams and I am sleeping less. My dreams last night were crazy. Luckily I did not smoke in my dream, but I was in a concentration camp!?!?!?!? Plus it was like the movie Scream. Super insane! Also it takes me much longer to go to sleep and I wake up earlier. I thought that it was because of lack of activity that I have during the day, but then I found this website that tells all the side effects and lack of sleep or poor quality of sleep is one side effect. I guess that I am having both.

I know that these will pass and I will be living a better life without cigarettes, but like most things in my life I want immediate gratification. I am still smoking though so my lungs are still filled with mucus and I still feel like I cannot breathe in the morning. Plus I still do not have my taste buds back. And I do not have a puppy!

I have done this before. Once I quit for 6 months. I remember how much better my life was. I did awesome! I feel like the easy part is quitting. The hardest part is staying smoke free. I still find it to be a good release of anxiety. It is definitively a coping skill that I have used since I was 16 years old. I am trying to replace smoking with this blogging. Obviously so far, so good. I am actually very proud of myself.

So today is Friday so it is the first day that I am only smoking 5 cigarettes. My sister, Kitty, suggested that I micromanage my smoke breaks. So far today I have smoked 2 cigarettes. I plan to smoke one at 2pm, then 5:30pm and then my last one will be at 9:30 pm. I feel like it is going to be harder on the weekends then it will be today. I guess that is why I decided to go down one on Fridays because if I can make it through Saturday and Sunday without smoking more I will be able to make it through the week.

I am especially nervous about tomorrow when Dan and I are going through my storage locker. I just have this feeling that I’m going to open it and it will smell like old smoke. Plus I have no idea what I am going to do with all the furniture that is in there. Dan wants my kitchen table but what should I do with all the rest of the stuff? I guess I could put it on one of those free websites and the deal will be that they have to pick them up. However, I feel like it is going to be emotional because it is closing a chapter in my life. My independence will be totally gone. That will make me want to smoke a lot!

I guess I just got to keep my goal in mind and remember the feel of getting my taste buds back.

The Plan

So every good mission has a plan. Here is mine:

I plan to cut back one cigarette every week. I started on Friday, the 17th smoking 6 cigarettes so every Friday I will cut back by one. On Friday, the 24th I will start having only 5 cigarettes a day. Then on March 2nd, I will only smoke 4, then so on, until March 30th, when I will be smoking no cigarettes.

I will be increasing my gum intake as my cigarettes go down. Right now I am taking 4 mg twice a day. So by March 30th, I am sure I will be up to 8 pieces a day. I will continue with the 4 mgs until April 6th. At that point I will lower the dose to 2 mgs. Then it will take time for me to replace the gum with a lollipop.

I plan on being completely smoke and nicotine free by June 1st. That way I will have two months free of nicotine. It is also a safety net in case I slip up and have a piece of gum or even a cigarette. Also Dan had mentioned that if I am smoking and nicotine free for a month before August 1st, then we might get a puppy early.

This is going to rough and I know it. I am already feeling the pressure on myself. I feel like I am already not doing well enough. I have smoked 3 cigarettes today and it’s only 10 am. I have to say that being at school or at home, I am horrible. At Dan’s house, I am perfectly fine. I think that it’s two fold. 1) He gives me a hard time every time I smoke and 2) I hate how everyone can see me smoking on his front porch. I feel so guilty when the little boys come outside and smoking. I feel like their mom is ready to kill me. Not smoking in the car is also hard. Mostly I keep telling myself that how much I want a cigarette now, I will want one more later.

Plus I keep myself busy. I set things I have to do before I can have a cigarette. Mostly I write emails and clean my room. Also this weekend I will be cleaning out my storage locker so I am sure that I will have millions of boxes to go through. I have so much paper that I keep. I think my project over the summer is to go through all the paper work that is in my room currently and whatever paperwork I get out my storage locker. I think that it’s time I threw away all of my undergrad notes for psychology 101. I never ever look at them. Plus I think I’m going to take psychology here at NoVA.

If you need me to help you do something to, let me know…keep me busy!

Cravings All Day

Today has been an okay day. I have stuck to my 6 cigarette allowance for today (I have had 5.5 cigarettes so far). Today was the true test because it was my first day back at school with my new cigarette allowance. I, of course, did well because I was only at school for a short period of time.

See a week ago I was on 495 on my way to an appointment and I happened to run over a huge piece of metal. It proceeded to cut a huge hole in my grill, gas tank and exhaust system. Everything was fixed so I got to pick it up today. Like a good girl, I did pick it up. I assumed that all the fuel in my gas tank had rushed out onto 495 last Monday, so I would need gas. I go in my car and there was half a tank and I thought “Awesome! I can get something to eat!” However, once I got to school the gage was on E and the gas light was on. I kind of freaked out a bit. I mean that’s kind of weird to go from half a tank to none. I looked under the car and no gas was leaking so I thought “Whatevs! I need to get gas obviously.”

Then I was in class…blah blah blah…boring boring boring. I got back in my car and realized that the gas station is actually not that close to campus especially when you have no gas. So I had a cigarette then. I just kept praying that I would make it to the gas station. I threw my cigarette out the window (half smoked) so that I could pull into the gas station. I made it and was so happy. Of course I thought that this was going to take forever and cost a fortune because I have never been completely out of gas. So I pumped the gas and the pump turned off at a little over 8 gallons. I know that my tank can hold 13 gallons. So I get back in the car and turn it on. The gas gage is still at E with the light is still on. I once again assume that it is going to take some time to get back up to F so I left the gas station.

I am in the car for about 15 minutes and decide “Yeah! This is definitively something wrong gas gage.” So I call shop and tell them what is going on. They tell me that I need to bring my car back in. I am so pissed at this point. When I get extreme emotions I want to smoke. So I am absolutely dying for a cigarette so I have one. I told myself that I would only smoke half since I smoked half of the other one. Well I smoke the whole thing and I do not even care at that point. So from Annandale I drive all the way back to Chantilly (even though it’s in Loudon County so I seriously doubt it is called Chantilly). I get my car there and they tell me that I have to get another rental because it is going to take until Thursday to get what they need in and replaced on my car. FAIL!!!

At that point I had calmed down and realized this is not a big deal. Of all the things that could break on my car while I am driving to school, the fuel gage is the best. I am calmly waiting for the guy to come to give me a rental car. He does (he happened to remember me from the first time I was there and that morning). So he’s doing all his paperwork…blah blah blah…boring boring boring. I start to look at the key of my rental. There looks like there is a picture of the no smoking sign on it. Now I know you are not supposed to smoke in rental but of course I always do. I mean hey if they really did not want me to smoke they would put a no smoking sign in it, right? Well this car they did. It is right by the radio so you cannot miss it. So what is the first thing I want to do when I get into my nice, clean smelling rental? Smoke!

Luckily, so far, so good. I have not smoked in my rental nor have I over smoked today, which I have so wanted it.

The Deal

On Friday, February 17, 2012, the deal between Dan and I was made. He has always hated that I smoked. In fact, calls me “Smoky” and won’t kiss me right after I smoke. He always gives me a hard time everything I step outside to have a cigarette. He was always saying that we will do some much more fun stuff once I stop smoking. The most recent promise was we would go Disney World in August and he would pay for the whole trip. So this is not the first time that he has tried to bribe with stuff to get me to stop. However, the difference is that I actually really want a puppy.

This all started when I was at Dan’s house alone with his roommate’s dog, Maggie. I love Maggie more than anything right now. I love walking and feeding her. She also is a great companion when I am lonely. Plus she is so much fun to play with. I have fallen in love with her in no time at all. She reminds me of my favorite pet ever…Boo, my cat. His story is way too sad for me to talk about on here.

Well it all started when we went to CVS and the pizza place. On our way out of CVS to pick up the pizza, we saw two little doggies inside a car in the parking lot. So of course, I want to go see them. We went over there and they were two little Scotty Dogs. They were so little and cute. I told Dan that I wanted to have a puppy so bad. He made the deal right then. If I quit smoking he would get me a dog. We also made a deal that if I only smoked two cigarettes that night when we went out that he would buy me a song on iTunes and a book from the bookstore.

That night I tried very hard and I did only smoke two more cigarettes. Then on Saturday I only smoked 6 cigarettes. I also smoked 6 on Sunday and today. I am doing surprisingly well. I am using the nicotine gum from CVS. We also have ironed out the deal that has inspired me to write this blog. I have to be completely nicotine free for a whole month. That means that if I quit smoking and quit nicotine dependence for a month on August 1st, 2012, I will be going to the ASPCA (or the like) to get my puppy. My friend, Michelle, is going to help me decide what kind of dog I want and where I should get it. Plus the question of how in the world are we going to take care of puppy when both of us have jobs and I have school.

So stay tuned to see if I really do it…